Be Careful What You Wish For

I used to have a lot of anxiety before the apocalypse. I’d be lying if it wasn’t the main reason I was hiding in video games when the world ended. On one hand, I’m thankful that my crippling anxiety and fear actually kept me from harm for the first time in my life. On the other hand, I feel cheated out of the last few days of real life on Earth. I didn’t have to see civilization fall, but I don’t know if that makes the experience less tragic. Maybe it’s worse.

You wouldn’t know it, but I grew up in a super Catholic family. I even went to the school with the uniform and everything. I guess you can sort of see the Catholic guilt sort of sticking to me like static cling. It makes me wonder what my family thought of the apocalypse. I don’t think it was an act of God, but I knew a lot of people who would have. I bet there was a lot of “I told you so” going on. Other than an affinity for skirts and knee socks, I cut the Catholic faith out of my life by the time I was a teenager. I was forced to attend mass all through the catholic high school though, and I kept the habit of sort of bargaining with God. There were times that I got so anxious and worried, I couldn’t really do anything for a while. I used to think I would give up everything, my whole life, all my friends, family, school, work, if I could just feel better. I’d go live in a monastery or something, anything. I was actually thinking about that during my video game marathon before the entire world just sort of imploded. I know thoughts don’t work that way, but I felt really guilty for thinking like that. All of the anxiety’s gone now, and I’m happy about it, but I really did have to lose absolutely everything for that to happen.

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